The other night I had a dream about my dad. My dad has been dead for more than 30 years and I haven’t had a significant dream about him in more than 20 years. I woke up crying as if I had actually just seen him and was reminded in a rush of how it felt to be in his presence again. It was a miracle. I had been praying for such a dream to come.
I believe these dreams, the vivid ones that we wake from in tears, are visits,brief reunions in the moments between our falling to sleep and our waking. In our dreams, where all things are possible and at the same time inexplicable, we can somehow be reunited with those we miss so desperately that at times life is often difficult to endure without them. Maybe you doubt that there is such a thin veil between our life and death, and maybe this world has convinced you that your doubt is more tangible than your instincts that tell you in your sleep that love never dies and our souls indeed go on forever. I do believe this is the case with every fiber of my being and the fact that I can wake from such a dream more comforted than I was the night before; I am now only more convinced, its a true gift from God.
In my dream I was at my father’s office, in my pajamas I wore to bed, disheveled and frantic to get my dad’s attention and tell him how much I loved him and how I could help him run his business. I was entirely anxious and definitely was in a space that my time in which to convince him and complete what I was there to do was indeed limited. I needed to find a way to make him stay, find a way to make our time last. For some reason I felt if I could prove to him that I could run his business that might seal the deal. There were faceless people working about his office seemingly unaware of the commotion I was creating but in no way judging my presence. Every so often I would start to cry in the middle of my pleadings because at some level I knew his death was past tense, inevitable. My dad, when I got his attention, was smiling which he was attempting to hide, like he couldn’t help but enjoy seeing me all worked up. He didn’t speak but his face expressed, “Honey, I’m right here. What are you so upset about? I have always been right here and I am completely aware of what you are capable of, there is nothing you have to prove to me.” But he didn’t say a word and he allowed me to continue to follow him around the office.
Finally, I was standing in front of his desk, which was nothing like the one I remember from his office when he was still alive. He had me listen to a client’s phone message and then asked me, “How would you help them?” I told him and he listened attentively. Then it was suddenly no longer important, and I was sitting across the desk from him and telling him how he needed to take better care of himself for me, because I didn’t want to lose him, as if somehow his death was now avoidable. Then he interrupted me and showed me a foot that had been operated on, it seemed to appear on his desk out of nowhere as such things do and are only possible in a dream because they are scenes that make no sense. I stared at the foot and I asked, “Did you have foot surgery dad? You know I’m having a problem with my foot and might be having foot surgery.” I got the overwhelming sense, although no words were exchanged, that he knew all about it. Then he leaned back in his desk chair and smiled big at me and said, “For you honey, I’ll go on a diet tomorrow.” I then woke up, realized it was a dream and immediately started to cry.
I spent the rest of my morning deep in thought and gratitude to God for my dream, my visit and how my heart understood it all. In processing my experience, my feelings within the dream and it’s symbolism it seemed to me my father was inferring in numerous ways that he is always with me but also very busy working where he is at, in heaven. He seemed to be trying to tell me to slow down and relax; be unaffected by the world’s drama, remember you are not of this world, you know better than to worry and stress, you are a child of God.
It took me awhile to get my head around the image of the injured foot and then several hours after I woke up it hit me right between the eyes. He wanted me to know that he knew about the most recent events in my life, nothing escaped him and it was all going to be alright and that was exactly how I felt.
J. C. Beichner